While marriage is touted as THE only way to truly have a successful, committed relationship, there are many distinct advantages to cohabitation that are often overlooked, a few of which are as follows:

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Granted, dealing with the thorny issue of what to say to couples in the pews living in sin, isn’t easy to resolve, yet, I thought addressing these thorny issues in our society IS the role of religion. But what about a practice among some in Baptist churches who say.. “if you’re shacking up, you’re NOT welcome here.”

Jesus came for the sinners… except in Seattle!

Beverly Park Baptist Church in Seattle, stresses that people must be made aware of biblical teaching and that some moral standards must be met before individuals are accepted for church membership. Oh my, I wonder what Jesus would say about this “moral” standard?

Soooooooooooo, when an unmarried, cohabitating couples who’ve been attending the church inquire about joining, they’re told that the congregation is glad with their presence. BUT you’re not welcome as a member unless you marry or move apart. Guess who sleeps in or goes camping next Sunday.

Now everyone has a right to their standards but if you’re going to cut out cohabiters why not cut out alcoholics, adulterers, child abusers, wife beaters, tax cheats and all the other sinners in the congregation. Something about, “let he who is without sin, cast the first stone!” comes to mind.

If there was ever a time for all aspects of society ESPECIALLY mainstream religion to try a different approach to help build and sustain marriages, it is now especially when…

1. Divorce rates for 1st marriages can exceed 70% depending upon factors such as age, education & income
2. Our rate of marriage has dropped 50% in 40 years while cohabitation is skyrocketing
3. Fewer people are getting married now than ever
4. For the 1st time in U.S. history more of us are single than married

Churches must figure out better answers to tough questions about cohabitation as society’s definition of marriage and family continues to evolve. A USA TODAY poll of 1,007 adults found that most today reject the notion that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced. Instead,

• 49% said living together makes divorce less likely

• 13% said it makes no difference

• 31% said living together first makes divorce more likely

Like it or not, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have become the new American family role model for many and why not, who else can the youth of today look to for answers on how to avoid the high failure rate of marriage in America… highest in the world.

Brad and Angelina have no wedding plans and Angelina said, “The focus is the kids, and we are obviously extremely committed to the children and as parents together… to have a ceremony on top of it is nothing.”

This is the new reality and it is going mainstream, as the USA Today poll also found, respondents appeared open-minded on whether unmarried couples can have a committed relationship. 57%, when asked if an unmarried couple who have lived together for five years is as committed as a couple married five years, said yes

To say come back when you’re no longer living in sin seems to be the absolute opposite of what Jesus was all about. Instead, as one pastor at the Park Central Baptist Church in Dallas says, “If we believe ‘come all who are weary and heavy-laden,’ we must love people, not turn them away.”

So the message seems clear, the congregation should focus on developing relationships first. As a senior pastor of Atlanta’s Wieuca Road Baptist Church states, “churches must build relationships to help people first find faith and then to grow. “We open our membership to anyone… we start with where they are and help them,” “Trying to determine who’s at fault isn’t productive. We take the ‘now what’ approach: [Since] this has happened, now what?”

Wieuca Road concentrates on accepting individuals, regardless of the issues they face. “Acceptance is not the same thing as condoning. But if you provide the acceptance, there is room to grow,” the pastor said. “If you point fingers, people are more likely to walk away. “I would rather err on the side of acceptance. … People grow with grace. I’ve never seen anyone grow under legalism… Why would people want to go to a church that adds more burdens?”

AMEN!

Here are some interesting tidbits from the Journal of Population Studies about cohabiting couples:

1. D.C. has the greatest percentage of unmarried heterosexual partners living together: 13.5% of coupled households.
2. Vermont is second with 12%, followed by Maine with 11.9%.
3. Utah and Alabama have the smallest percentages: 4.4%.

Those who live together average about two years, generally leading to either marriage or a breakup. Cohabitation research found that within five years of a live-in relationship, about half of couples married, about 40% split up and the rest continued to live together.

As on researcher states, “People want what marriage signifies: that sense of ‘us with a future,’ “But because of the high rates of divorce for the past few decades and many other circumstances, including decreased rates of marriage, there is really a crisis in confidence about the institution of marriage.”

Reasons cited for cohabiting

1. Living with someone before marriage as a way to avoid divorce,
2. High housing costs and tight budgets often lead young people to live together,
3. Seeing little difference between the commitment to live together and the commitment to marriage,
4. Wanting to test compatibility or establish financial security before marrying,
5. A desire to live as married when same-sex marriages are not legal,
6. Cohabitation because it is easier to establish and dissolve.

Current Trends in Cohabitation

In the past, cohabitating was seen as financial unstable. Yet, many of today’s cohabitating couples sometimes combine their earning-powers and purchase a house together. In the past, a cohabitating couple’s relationship may have also been said to be unsound for raising a family. Yet, many of today’s cohabitating couples also have children together.

In the past, these couples were seen as having just a fleeting relationship. Yet, many of today’s couples see themselves as deeply involved but they also view it as less than a full commitment.

Explanations for the Rise in Cohabitation

1. Many cohabitating couples had parents who divorced after many years of marriage, thus, by cohabitating they feel they will avoid the mistakes of their parents.
2. Many cohabitating couples see themselves as far more independent than previous generations and they no longer depend on a committed partner for financial, physical or emotional needs, or general daily chores such as cooking and cleaning.
3. Many cohabitating young people feel they have greater choice, more time to choose a soul mate and less of a need to make a full commitment.
4. Many cohabitating couples expect to invest less and receive less from the relationship by selecting a “wait and see” attitude.