• Advantages of Cohabitation
While marriage is touted as THE only way to truly have a successful, committed relationship, there are many distinct advantages to cohabitation that are often overlooked, a few of which are as follows:
1) Time-bound
One BIG advantage of cohabitation is that it is NOT until death do you part. Instead, it’s more likely bound by the one-year lease you have on your apartment or some other form of limitation set up in your calendar. It can be beneficial to talk upfront about the relationship’s “life-span!” You should consider declaring a particular date 6 or 12 months out, and then sit down at that time to evaluate how well the relationship is going. If things have been good, perhaps you pick a longer time horizon until you do your next check up. If things have not gone well, you’ll more likely find it easier to end the relationship…. the lease is up and so is our time together.
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2) Maintain Individuality
One assumption of marriage, like the unity candle ceremony demonstrates during the wedding, is that two people become one. However, suppose you’re not ready to take this bold step. Cohabitation allows you to work on building a relationship without necessarily giving up your individuality. A “separate but equal” approach can help reduce the anxiety that you might feel if you were to “lose yourself” in the relationship. No relationship gets better based on how much you give up to be in it. Living together is a low risk method to see IF you can live with someone, full-time and not diminish your individuality in the process.
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3) Eliminate Illusions
It’s been said the if “love is blind” then “marriage is an institution for the blind!” It’s normal that in the early stages of a dating relationship, each partner is trying to put their best foot forward. One of the real shocks that can occur after marriage is to discover that the person you married is not who you thought. Cohabitation affords you the time for the illusions to disappear and the real person to emerge. When this happens in marriage and the image does not match the reality, it can send a shock wave through the marriage and creates a sense of being trapped in a deception. Instead, by living together, while you may be shocked by the reality of your partner’s hygiene habits, lack of anger management, passive-aggressive sniping, at least you’re not trapped… see #1 above.
4) Practice Equality
Successful relationships are about many things including creating a sense of equality. In days gone bye, it was not expected that the man and woman were equals. The man ruled and no one questioned it, despite what may have been disastrous consequences. Now, however, “power with” vs. “power over” is one key to making an intimate relationship work. During the dating phase of a relationship, it’s easy to maintain a “balance of power!” He picks a restaurant, she picks a movie and next time the roles shift. Once you move in together, you have the chance to see just how equal you are with your partner. The question of who controls the TV remote, who cleans the kitchen or who does laundry is quickly answered. The outcome is an important piece of information for you to know about your partner. If you are lucky, your partner values equality and if he or she does not, at least you learned it before walking down the aisle.
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While it has been said by many naysayers of cohabitation that you cannot “practice” commitment, I say bunk. Cohabitation has some real advantages over getting married, at least in the short term. The above are just a few.
BadBoyMMA Official Fight Gear
Tags: cohabitating, cohabitation, couples advice, dating, live-in couples, living together, marriage, shacking up
March 14th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
With all these so called “advantages”, why do cohabiting couples have only a 1 in 5 chance of a lifelong loving relationship, higher incidents of physical abuse and depression, higher levels of violence against children involved, lower levels of commitment vs. married couples, and greater incidents of sexual infidelity? These facts have been shown by numerous research studies (e.g. Rutgers University Marriage Project and others).
Apart from selling books by telling some people what they want to hear, I have a hard time seeing what value your book and web site provide, apart form deceiving couples.
Jeff
Happily and Passionately Married to My Bride of 30 Years
March 25th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
• Advantages of Cohabitation | Happily Un-Married…
While marriage is touted as THE only way to truly have a successful, committed relationship, there are many distinct advantages to cohabitation that are often overlooked…
March 27th, 2009 at 10:09 am
Research reports vary widely and while the news about cohabitation has been negative for many years, new studies are beginning to reveal a much more positive picture. The undeniable facts are that the rate of marriage in America has been in steady decline for decades while the rates of cohabitation are skyrocketing. In addition, the “face” of cohabitation has been transformed from those who due to socioeconomic levels have higher incidents of a variety of psychological problems to couples who cohabit for a wide range of reasons. There are couples who do not believe in marriage, couples who for economic reasons cannot marry, i.e. loss of retirement benefits, couples who do not trust the institutions of church and state to validate their relationship. These are just a few of the millions of productive, committed and happy couples who regardless of the scare tactics will continue to cohabit.
The goal of my book and website is to change the way we view cohabitation and the way cohabiting couples view themselves. IF we were to raise our expectations and offer a greater sense of welcoming and support to these couples, we have an opportunity to help them strengthen and stabilize their relationships which increases the possibility that they will marry. Ignoring, condemning, judging and keeping them in the shadows has done NOTHING to slow the rate of cohabitation… it is time for a new approach.
April 4th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
The fact is that years of condemnation appear to be backfiring as many cohabitating couples reject the guilt-laden attempts to discourage their living arrangement. Instead, most cohabiters fear a failed marriage even more than the criticism, so opt to live together despite the odds. Now over 60% of all couples who marry will cohabite first and rates of cohabitation will skyrocket since 75% of high school students believe living together is worthwhile and harmless.
Additionally, new studies show that the once negative stigma about cohabitation is changing which helps produce more extensive information about cohabiters and more sophisticated research methods. New findings from a Cornell study show that the odds of divorce among women who married their only cohabiting partner were 28% lower than among women who never cohabited before marriage. Other studies found that women who only cohabited with their husband had lower rates of divorce than women who went straight to marriage.
I think we must “reinvent” and raise our expectations of cohabitation, and our attitudes toward those who decide to live together. There is a commonly held myth that marriage means you will “live happily ever-after.” However, there is no similar assumption of cohabitation other than “it won’t last” which helps create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
John